1. Depending on the severity of the date and your own threshold for physical pain, consider setting yourself on fire. This can be done casually, as if by accident (knocking a candle precariously situated on the dinner table onto your lap) or more conspicuously (say, quickly excusing yourself from the table, running across the street to the Mobil station, and dousing yourself in gasoline). Who knows, there might be a hot nurse on-duty at your hospital’s burn ward! Win-win!
Alternatively, you can attempt to set your date on fire, however this may result in jailtime if there are too many witnesses present. If she manages to escape before being engulfed in flames by fleeing the restaurant/movie theatre/nursing home, I guess that works too.
2. Speaking of physical pain, try stabbing yourself in the eye, throat, or ear with your salad fork. If you’re feeling particularly courageous, try using a spoon instead.
3. Recite The Aristocrats.
In Spanish.
Unless she actually speaks Spanish.
4. Casually mention that you were visiting a nursing home earlier that day. When she inquires as to which of your relatives or friend’s relatives you were there to see, correct her by saying “No, no, I was just scoping out the ladies in case you were into geriatric threeways.”
5. Provide an accurate and exhaustive account of when, how, and from whom you received each of the sexually-transmitted diseases you carry. If you’re not certain you carry any sexually-transmitted diseases, you should provide her with a urine sample at the dinner table. Better safe than sorry!
6. Ask your waiter to bring over a whole stick of butter and bet her $20 that you can’t eat the whole thing without puking everywhere (be sure to emphasize “everywhere” when you say it; you want to conjure up images of The Exorcist).
7. Invite her to the live musical rendition of 2 Girls 1 Cup, which you naturally have advanced tickets for.
8. Talk about your World of Warcraft guild raids non-stop.
9. Anything involving a nursing home really.
10. Here’s a technique if you determine very early on in the date that you’re not particularly fond of the girl: Pretend you’re being very gentlemanly by holding her chair out for her as you two are seated for dinner. Right as she bends to sit, quickly pull it out from under her. Laugh uproariously as she picks herself off the floor and give yourself a pat on the back as she storms out of the restaurant.
If however, she casually laughs it off, you should strongly consider marrying her.
